Brunyan's recovery story (2010-2012)
Following are some old posts by brunyan originally written on the paxilprogress forum.
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11-30-2010
Well. I know its only been 9 months off lexapro now. But the PSSD symptoms have shown 0 signs of getting better.
For over 3 months I held strong mentally, telling myself I would see improvements and telling myself I could be human again. For so long I had ignored the problem and told myself it was all in my head. For the years I had my girlfriend and had decent sexual functioning I ignored that things were getting worse. And finally it has come to the point where I am almost completely impotent with zero sex drive and zero social life.
I have found solace in the music I have done with my band. There im just going to come right out and say who I am. I am XX. And there once was a human being behind that name. A person with love, kindness and maybe even a little bit of craziness to offer, the good kind.
I had made so much progress just being on Zyprexa and off the Lexapro. Since I have been off all medication it has been a slow spiral downwards again. I was doing so well, but wanted so bad to be off medication to let my body heal.
I fear that I have 2 choices. Be on medication and always be impotent, or suffer off and HOPE it comes back. But after reading the testimonials of many men on here who have had their sexual identities stolen from them, I realize I too may be one who never recovers.
I refuse to lie to myself for 6 years only to wait for something that is never coming back. I also refuse to accept that a person can be whole without their sex life. I am not the same person I once was, I am a shell of a man.
The days get closer to where I must decide whether it is worth it to live or to die. I want so badly to be dead. I just do not have the courage to do it. Maybe I can build it up.
I am not asking for pity, for anyone to feel sorry for me, and in all seriousness I am out of anger. I am not angry any more at the people that have prescribed me these medications.
Just tonight I had an honest discussion with my parents about this PSSD issue. They told me It is all in my head and that I should go see a urologist. They also told me that all of you are hypochondriacs and that I shouldnt believe a word you say. Thanks mom and dad.
In any case, I am sorry for my rambling post. I am not sure how much longer I can hold on. But I do not think I can live in this world much longer.
. . .
Yes it is hard to look at the bigger picture.
I remember when I was in love with my last girlfriend, who emotionally I am entirely over. But we had a decent sex life in the beginning of our relationship, and things slowly deteriorated until I became unable to have a full erection for sex. I can just imagine her and other girls laughing at me.
Just several months ago I turned down a girl because of this. I know you all are trying to help me but please dont downplay the importance of sex and love in a relationship, the two are quite intertwined...
I look at the stories of AlexC, Zant808, and Antti. Where is there recovery after all these years? Why should I expect a different result...
. . .
Thanks for the kind words. And I have read some of the success stories. But then I start to wonder if these people that recovered actually had PSSD or just had mental problems. I am sure I have both.
To be honest I had a bit more sexual functioning on the Zyprexa, then without. Now I am too depressed to even think about sex, and when I try I lose interest immediately.
I am not sure If I can live without medication. That is the way it has been set up and I find it very ironic. They put me on meds 10 years ago to "solve" things, and then boom, I need the same medication to fix problems it ****ed up in the first place.
I thought I had made progress a week ago as I had posted in "My PSSD Story" thread. Things were getting better, and my functioning overall had seen a slight improvement. Now I feel like I am back to square one. Although people have mentioned this does happen in withdrawal. It is just so frustrating I feel so alone and bitter at doctors...
I have started to take one hour walks each day now, and am trying to get more sleep. It is really tough to maintain a positive attitude, I do admit, I think about suicide almost daily.
Guess I Will just have to keep trying...
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04-04-2011
So as we alllll know, this withdrawal thang aint linear. Man don't we wish it was! Things come and go, up and down, 2 steps forward - 3 steps back, 4 forwards, plateau etcccc
Very frustrating.
The good news is I am feeling better than I have in over a year. Mentally I am feeling much sharper. I don't have any morning anxiety, and depression is very minimal.
And the most important thing to me is actually showing some signs of LIFE!!!
My PSSD is actually improving, and not like wishful thinking improving, like legit.
For the first time, this past 4 weeks or so I have had flickers of serious romantic and sexual attraction, which has replaced the horrible numbness and coldness. It is a bit on and off but I had assumed that part of my life was deleted.
Also, during the mornings (which I suppose makes sense, testosterone wise) I have much better abiliity with my sexual functioning. The numbness isnt nearly as bad.
That being said I would say the recovery is only about 25-30% on its way and this will certainly take years but it is happening... I HOPE
Of course I am scared that all this will disappear and this was all a dream, but I do not think that is the case.
In the word of the Bud Light commercial: Here We Go.
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05-03-2011
Well it happened last night. I finally had sex. Understanding partner, and a supplement = success.
It was yomhimbe, which i do NOT plan to keep on using because of its effect of circulatory system. However, things have been improving and this allowed me to succeed.
It had been 1 year and 5 months. The nightmare is slowly ending.
Thank god.
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02-07-2012
Experience. A total mindf**ck. Beautiful. Horrifying. Real.
Its mostly over now.... Withdrawal that is. I was de-humanized. Castrated. Thrown away. A number..... Then I came back from the brink. I am alive. I am XX.
I have spent these last few months being happy, living, being alive, enjoying romance, enjoying everything I can possibly feel. And i can feel a LOT. I feel like I am 18 again. Cognitvely, intellectually, sexually, physically.
It's all back folks. It all comes back. The Brain damage heals. But one thing rings true. I am not the same. I am a darker version of myself. I have seen a personal hell that not many outside our group have seen. This hell is different from one you can feel in. This is a a hell of nothingness. It has hardened me and made realize how close one can get to total torture.
While everything in my life is as amazing as anyone could ask for, I find myself with a bit of a dark side. I have seen the other side, and it wasnt pretty. I feel like I was raped. I have just spent so much time trying to ask myself after all of this. The one question: Why? Why did this happen to us. Why did I get lucky. Why did I get better? WHat about those who don't? What about those who quit, who give up? Was this the greatest survival of the fittest? Did I win?
In any case. I Thank you all for your support when I was on the brink of destroying myself. I am a happy man with a brilliant life that I feel very thankful for, but there is a part of me that truly thinks I didn't NEED to go through that.
If I ever become successful enough as a musician to the point where I have a public platform I promise you ALL I will spend a lot of time fighting big pharma. Those lost will not be forgotten.
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12-04-2012
It's weird. I forget to post here a lot. Because I am busy just living life I guess. Coping more and more with the trials and tribulations of daily life. I would say, more and more, that I have normal problems. A normal life. I think less and less about withdrawal and more and more about life, living, people, love, working, and music.
A far cry. A far cry indeed from where I was 2 years ago. If any of you go back and read my posts from 2 years ago this month, you will see a boy that is entering the post withdrawal and totally terrified..........Soon after this point, January of 2011 you will see me lose complete control, of both my body and my mind. With only the presence left to check myself into a hospital (where ironically i took one lexapro pill, after coming off in may 2010, thinking that it might reverse things). I checked myself in and saved my own life. I got out soon after and was off all drugs then.
I am single. Not dependent on a relationship. Socially active, working 40 hr weeks, continuing with my music. Making a lot of trips to NYC to play shows, and here in Philly.
I am dating a girl, very casual and upfront. We can enjoy intimate moments. Not quite as intense and my ex, but thats normal when full-on love isn't involved. THE point is, is I am on the track to recovery. I am really doing well. And leaving the relationship I talked so much about was the best decision i could have made. Thanks God I found the courage. One of my posts I was talking about going back on medication!!! Good God...
I have bad days, sure. I really do. We all do. Some i feel a little withdraw-y. Some I just feel depressed or anxious. But the difference now is I know how to push through those days without doing something irrational.
I always get to the good days. Always. Always Always.
Love you guys. All the best.